geek.in.the.pink

( Sweet ) November ?

2009-10-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

November is here :)

Some might welcome it with a smile, some might not.
Me, I'm just welcoming it.
Not smiling, but not pouting.
Just. Welcoming. It.
But one thing's for sure, we're two months away from ending 2009.
BLOODY FUCK !
haha.
Another year is about to end soon !
We'll be passing by another 365 days. Again.
My goodness.

Dibandingkan dengan postingan saya yang sebelumnya, sekarang ini saya ngerasa sedikit lebih baik. Sedikit punya semangat. Dan, sedikit merasa yakin kalo saya bisa mengakhiri tahun ini dengan baik. Tapi , tetep, saya gak berani terlalu berharap banyak juga. Cuma, ya itu, semangat saya lebih tinggi dari sebelumnya.

Saya cuma berharap ,tahun ini, saya bisa wisuda.
Saya cuma berharap, sebelum tanggal 7 November -- paling lama 10 November -- semua urusan kuliah udah bisa diselesaikan.
Saya cuma berharap bisa ngedaftar sidang dan , kali ini, beneran IKUT sidang.
Saya cuma berharap bulan Desember ini bisa wisuda.

Itu aja.

Hati kecil saya bilang, saya bisa.
Tapi, terkadang ia salah.
Sering,malahan.
haha.
Tapi,mudah mudahan, tidak kali ini.

Ini demi orang tua saya. Kalau ditanya ke saya sih, gelar akademis itu ada di urutan ke sekian. Saya gak terlalu pusing soal itu. Apalagi,saya cukup sadar, setelah lulus, akan ada satu tuntutan baru, yaitu : MENIKAH.

ROTFL.

Saya gak sabar nunggu hari Senin. Pengen ke kampus. 'Nyelesein ini - itu. Di satu sisi, saya luar biasa takut menghadapi akhir dari minggu depan. Tapi di sisi lain,saya ngerasa siap untuk berjuang sekuat tenaga.
Mudah mudahan , kali ini Tuhan membantu ya ?

:)

Saya kangen ngumpul sama temen temen. Ngopi bareng Betmen. Main di rumah Lisa bareng anaknya, Baby C. Ngobrol sama Asep tanpa harus ngeluh ini itu soal kuliah * saya pengen jadi orang yang ngasih semangat ke dia *. Saya kangen motret tanpa ngerasa punya beban berat (banget!). Saya pengen ngejenguk Nancy dan Baby Sofia dan ngobrol banyak sama Nancy * udah hampir setahun kita gak ngobrol ,Nan :( Ironis,meningat kita tinggal 1 kota. Maaf ya, aku sedang menjadi sahabat yang kurang baik :( :( :( *

Saya pengen cepet lepas dari beban ini.

Tapi satu hal yang saya syukuri adalah teman teman yang luar biasa. Baik yang ada disini, atau yang jauh. Yang belum pernah saya jumpai langsung. Saya selalu diberkahi teman teman yang luar biasa :)

And I hope, you'll all pray for me.
If you don't pray, at least I hope you'll wish me luck ?

Thank you.

And I hope your November will be meaningful too,yeah ?

PS : I've been missing Peter like crazy,lately. I mean, CRAZYYY !! :(
* sigh *

Untuk kali ini saja,Tuhan...

2009-10-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

Dari sejak akhir tahun lalu, saya merasa hidup ini berantakan. Hidup saya,pastinya. Semua impian yang dijaga sejak lama, mendadak berantakan. Semua keinginan yang dipegang erat, lepas lalu hancur. Cinta -- yeap, the great big ol' LOVE -- yang saya yakini tak akan pernah saya rasakan lagi, ternyata masih saya temukan. Tapi,tunggu -- itu bukan endingnya. Delapan tahun menunggu cinta yang baru, ketika ia datang, 3 bulan kemudian, dia menghilang.

Sebelum itu semua, saya udah ngelewatin banyak hal lain yang gak terlalu enak untuk diingat. Tapi, masih bisa saya lewati. Karena waktu itu,saya masih muda. Masih punya banyak tenaga. Masih belum terlalu berfikir panjang. Yang saya tau hanyalah, whatever gets in my way, I'll run them over and get through it. Saya gak perduli apakah itu akan nyakitin saya, ngelukain jiwa , atau apalah. I don't care how much damaged it has done to me. Yang penting saya bisa melewatinya.

An abusive boyfriend that raped me.
A father with constant affairs that I still can't hate based on what he had done.
A mother who - most of the times - wish I was like my older brother rather than myself.
An older brother who always uses my flaws to make him look better.

Oh,please don't feel sorry for me.
Pity is the last thing I'm willing to accept.

Dan saya gak akan meng-klaim kalau penghargaan untuk " Orang Paling Menderita Sedunia " itu adalah milik saya.
Karena saya cukup sadar , saya BUKAN yang paling menderita.
Tapi,saat ini, saya hanya ingin menulis.
Dan,seperti yang saya bilang di posting sebelumnya, susah untuk mengeluh tanpa terkesan tidak bersyukur.

Tahun ini,saya mulai merasa defisit tenaga. Dan luka - luka yang - tadinya - saya pikir sudah "mengering" , ternyata belum. Banyak sekali yang belum. BANYAK sekali.

Semua jadi terasa menakutkan buat saya.

Hari ini,semua terasa datar. Saya mulai terbiasa melewati hari - hari tanpa harapan yang berarti. Lebih aman rasanya. Saya mulai merasa buntu (lagi) untuk urusan kuliah. Mulai merasa lelah menjelaskan kepada orang tua. Mulai merasa tak berguna karena selalu merepotkan. Hari ini, bernafas pun terasa berat.

Pulang ke rumah,si mama nanyain hal yang sama, " Udah ketemu Dekan belum ? " Dan jawaban saya masih sama,"Belum."

Setelah itu,masuk kamar. Tiduran sambil nahan air mata. I fell asleep for a few minutes. Waktu denger pintu kamar dibuka, kebangun dan ngehapus air mata. Cukup yakin kalo si mama gak ngeliat itu. Tiba tiba dia bilang,

" Banyak berdoa ya, inang.. Biar dikasih jalan keluar sama Tuhan "

Saya jawab,

" Udah.......... "

Mama megang kepala saya ( sesuatu yang AMAT SANGAT jarang dia lakukan ),

" Jangan nyerah ya... " dan Mama keluar dari kamar.

.....
Saya nangis lagi.

Gak berapa lama, si Papa pulang. Saya gak tau lagi harus jelasin apa ke beliau. Saya pura - pura mandi,biar gak langsung ditanyain. Saya nangis lagi di kamar mandi. Sempet bawa pisau silet ke kamar mandi. But I didn't use it. I just cried.

Keluar dari kamar mandi, saya denger si Papa ngomong di telfon. Sepertinya sama temennya yang bakal bantuin saya keluar dari masalah ini.

" Iya iya...kalo dia gak selesai bulan 12 ini, takutnya nanti dia.... *terdiam* Ini udah macam orang stress dia "

Saya nangis lagi di kamar.

Waktu denger langkah kaki si Mama ke arah kamar, saya menjauh dari pintu. Pura - pura berdiri di depan kaca.
Dia ngajak ke teras. Duduk bertiga sama Papa.

" Jangan jadi stress kau ya,inang " kata si Mama. Saya cuma bisa ngangguk. Kalo ngomong, pasti saya nangis.
" Gak boleh nyerah. Jadi orang itu harus kuat. Anggap ini cobaan untuk kau supaya bisa jadi orang yang lebih baik " kata Papa. " Gak boleh stress. Ini pasti bisa dilewatin. Harus gigih berusaha tapi tetap punya harga diri. Ya ? "
Saya gak tahan, akhirnya nangis lagi. " Unang marsak ho da inang ( jangan sedih kau ya,anak perempuanku.. ) " kata Mama dengan nada suara yang bergetar. " Molo marsak ho, marsak ma au..(kalau kau sedih, aku juga sedih ) " dia nyentuh punggung tangan saya.

Mendadak saya teringat sayatan sayatan di tangan ini. Saya teringat keinginan saya untuk menyerah dan "cabut" dari dunia ini. Mendadak saya merasa AMAT SANGAT bersalah.

Saya gak tau sampai kapan rasa bersalah ini bisa bertahan. Tapi, sekarang, saya sadar, saya belum melakukan apa apa untuk mereka. Dan itu - sebenarnya - salah satu alasan utama kenapa saya ingin menyerah. Karena saya tau,saya gak akan bisa ngebahagiain mereka. Ngebuat mereka bangga sama saya.
I will never overcome my older brother's shadow.

Kalau ini semua berhasil saya lewati nanti, saya mau minta maaf sama Mama.
Selama ini hanya bisa merepotkan.
Saya mau lebih berusaha lagi untuk bisa Mama bangga.
Bangga pada anak perempuanmu satu satunya ini.
Saya mau coba dengan berusaha bangun lebih pagi lagi *hehe*
Janji,Ma.. aku akan berusaha.

Tuhan,tolong beri aku titik terang besok.
Pasrahku ada di tanganMu.
Untuk kali ini saja, tolong jangan acuhkan aku.
Ku mohon,Tuhan.

" Tuhan pasti menunjukkan kebesaran dan kuasaNya.. Bagi hambanya yang sabar,dan tak kenal putus asa " D'Masiv.

Details in the Fabric.

2009-10-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hey there.
Fancy my new header ?
HEHE.

I believe writing is a therapy. And I will have my therapy session through this post.
I must warn you,it might get VERY boring.

--------------- cut here ------------------------

Malam ini,gak tau kenapa, saya merasa pasrah sama banyak hal. Mungkin karena udah terlalu capek berusaha. Iya,saya tau, katanya kita gak pernah boleh capek berusaha. Mungkin yang ngomong itu adalah manusia titisan dewa ~~yang bukan 19~~ . Tapi kalau saya, saya masih 100 % manusia. Saya PASTI akan merasa capek. Saya PASTI punya batasan untuk apa pun itu dalam hidup.
Malam ini, setelah ngomongin soal kuliah sama orangtua, saya pasrah.

Pasrah kalau dianggap mengecewakan lagi.
Pasrah kalau dianggap cuma bisa bikin malu keluarga.
Pasrah kalau dianggap nyusahin.
Pasrah.

FYI, saya bukan bodoh lho. Hehe.
Jurusan saya Sastra Inggris.
At times, I think, I teach a couple of lecturers myself.
Yes,I'm a snob.
So ?
Kepintaran saya mungkin tidak bisa diukur dari sisi akademis, tapi saya menolak dibilang bodoh.

Kembali ke pasrah.

Sulit rasanya membicarakan hal - hal yang kurang mengenakkan dalam hidup,tanpa harus terdengar seperti orang yang TIDAK bersyukur.
Saya sering dibilang orang yang tidak bersyukur.
Padahal, saya bukan seperti itu :)

Saya cuma orang yang mulai kehabisan tenaga.
Mulai merasa tidak bisa mengerti apa yang dunia ( dan Tuhan ) mau dari saya.
Mulai ( cukup sering ) merasa kesepian.
Mulai tidak bisa menangis.
Mulai terseok menjalani hidup yang bukan keinginan diri sendiri.
Mulai lelah mencari.
Mulai lelah mengerti.
Mulai lelah...............................................
Lalu pasrah.

Saya sering dicap sebagai orang yang menyedihkan.
Apatis.
Sinis.
Sarkastis.
Atheis * HAHA *
Terserahlah.
Apapun itu.
Saya adalah saya.

Dan malam ini, jagad raya mempertemukan saya dengan Dilla.
We've chatted a couple of times,tapi obrolan kali ini benar benar membuat saya merasa tidak sendiri.
Tapi,sekaligus membuat saya merasa sedih.

[ Dear Dilla, remember what I said, this is what we've got to go through before being a much greater person in the future. I know how you feel - what you're going through, and just by that, I'll say, I love you,little one.
You can always talk to me yeah ? :) ]

Cuma, ya itu, saya mulai susah nangis.
Yang ada cuma rasa sesak sekarang.
Itu dan rasa merinding karena sambil dengerin Details in the Fabric - nya Jason Mraz.
The song that I listened repeatedly the last time I attempted suicide.

Yes,I'm suicidal. I'm emo. What'fucking'ever

Hidup saya sekarang,jauh dari yang saya harapkan dan impikan dulu.
JAUH sekali.
Dan seiring waktu, tenaga mulai terasa habis untuk mencoba memperbaiki.
Yang saya tau hanyalah, " I'm a failure "
Yang saya ingat hanyalah, " Kau anak yang gak berguna "
Yang - mungkin - selamanya gak bisa saya terima hanyalah,

Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:23) no other reason than that - i'm just not strong enough.

Pete (20/09/2008 23:54:52) i'm just not strong enough unee. i know i'm not.

Judge me for being weak.
Judge me for being whatever or whomever I'm not.
But before you do,I'll remind you that there's a different between " knowing the story " and " living the story ".

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling all your threads saying
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine
Everything will be fine
Mmmhmm

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

-- Details in the Fabric --

.still waiting for me to cry.

Wishing Wishes.

2009-09-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

I wish, I was stronger.
I wish, I was stronger tonight.
I wish, I could do something else,other than smoking my cigarettes while wiping the tears off of my face.

I wish, I could tell everything in a story I could understand.
So, at least, I could try to figure out where did it went wrong : was it the distance between us or the feelings ?
Maybe, just maybe, than it would be easier for me to let go.

I wish I never fell in love with you,Peter.
Goodbyes wouldn't be so suffocating.
And memories wouldn't be so heart wrenching.

I wish, I could find a way to move these feet of mine.
Like you did with yours.
Stepping away from the past. Our past.

I wish, it wasn't Sting's Shape of My Heart that I'm listening at the moment.
Simply because you gave that song for me in the time where I finally believe I'm worth of something.
To someone.

I wish, I could stop living in my own imagination and expectation.
Crumbs of hope that ,one day, things will be back the way it used to.
The wind of impossibilities has blown those crumbs away.

I wish, I could be smarter and find the switch to make everything stop.
Another switch to erase everything that goes with it.
Back to plain old numbed sheet of heart.

I wish, it wasn't her that is making you smile now.
Because that was MY job.
I'm still waiting to get it back.

I wish, I didn't feel as dumb as I'm feeling right now.
Because you were the smartest thing that ever happened to me.
The most beautiful one as well.

I wish it didn't hurt this much.
I swear to God, I wish it didn't.
I swear, I really wish it didn't ,Pete.

[ The day I decided to check on my MySpace account and then off to yours - since that's the only "place" where you haven't deleted me from - and one click lead to another, I found : 2 of your Twitter accounts and a new personal blog of yours. And, I think , those were the things inside of my Pandora Box. I suddenly know what you've been up to through all these days of dead communication between us.The eating,the golfing,the hanging out with the friends thing. And ----- the you who is now, in a relationship. Per July 11th 2009. Those words above, aren't even half of what I'm feeling right now,Pete. Probably because, I'm not allowed to feel anything anyway. ]

Rambling Out of My F!ing Head !

2009-09-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

I wish I can be like Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk.
Or Shane from The L Word.
Or Karen Walker from Will & Grace.
* If I feel like being bitter and funny *

I want to be a person that are able to just, NOT care.
Doesn't have that feeling of obligation on being nice to others.

I always ended up being ( just ) a friend.

I mean, just because I'm always there when you need me, doesn't mean that that's the only thing I want !

AH FUCK !

I'm not making any sense.

I'm tired of being seen ONLY as a friend , including by the people that I like.
More,than a friend.

Ok.
It's official, I'm not making any sense.

untitled.one

2009-09-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

( terlalu malas untuk mencari judul )

Belakangan ini,birahi saya untuk menulis jauh lebih tinggi dibanding kemaren kemaren. Bisa dilihat dari ~~besarnya lubang hidung~~ frekuensi update'an blog ini. Mungkin saya mulai menyadari (lagi) kalau hanya ini media yang bisa menampung pikiran dan perasaan tanpa banyak pertanyaan.

( Ya iyalah,cun ! Macam mana ceritanya blog bisa ngemeng ?! )

Teruusss, sekarang saya punya side job baru. Jadi penulis freelance di majalah lokal punya temen. Yeah, agak KKN sedikit, so sue me,bitch. nyeeehhh.
Artikel pertama saya bakal diterbitin untuk edisi bulan depan !
* bersiap untuk mengadakan tumpengan *

Apalagi ya ?

Oh iya, sedikit cerita personal.
Hari Kamis kemarin,saya merasa diberi kesempatan untuk "membalas" seseorang.
Membalas dalam arti, giving that person my middle finger the way that person did to me years back. Pendendam ? Mungkin. Tapi,sebenernya,saya lebih ke manusia yang simple ; you get what you deserve. Saya bukan nabi apalagi malaikat [ walau tampang saya angelic begini ] yang akan tersenyum saat orang lain memaki, memberikan pipi kanan saat pipi kiri ditampar, and so on and so on.

I'm the sort of person that will slap you harder if you slapped me first.
I'm the sort of person that will make you bleed the way you've never bleed before if that's what you were aiming for from the very beginning.

In other words, I AM HUMAN.
I snapped when people want me to.

Mungkin gambaran singkatnya seperti ini :

anda berada di posisi memberikan perasaan dengan tulus ke seseorang. Lalu seseorang itu membalas dengan memberikan seonggok kotoran manusia a.k.a tahik/tai/tae'/taik, atau dalam bahasa batak, SHIT , ke depan wajah anda.
Sekarang,keadaan berbalik. Dan tahik yang bisa anda sodorkan ke wajahnya itu jauh lebih banyak dan ------ lebih bau.

[ haduh..kenapa harus tahik sih ?! ]

So,you think you can be " best friends " with me just by saying you're sorry and you regret the past ? OUR past ? HAHA.
I'm not THAT nice.
I'm not nice AT ALL ,even.

And guess what,I saw the person today.
Saya cukup menikmati power yang dikasih ke saya untuk ngebuat dia ngerasa BEGO di depan saya. Membuat dia merasa omongan dia selalu terpatahkan oleh omongan saya. Membuat dia merasa kalau SEKARANG --- SAYA lah yang ada di " langit " dan DIA yang sedang menginjak bumi.

MAMPUS !

hahahaha.

Kejam ?
Mungkin.
Buat saya, ini yang namanya karma !

And...

2009-09-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

I miss having hope for something I really want.
The beauty of knowing that there's something - or someone - that's worth hoping for.
The smiles drawn because you know that you got it.
That hope.

I don't know what happened.
Did it just left the bedroom and left me staring at the ceiling ?
What happened to the sweet and captivating words it once said to me ?
Was it all a lie ?

I miss having to care.
The knowledge of knowing that I belong somewhere.
With someone.
Believing in something.

I miss the faith of knowing that everything's going to be alright.
That I can still color the world with my crayons.
Where mornings holds its power just as strong as the night.
And the dawn doesn't scare me anymore.

I miss knowing where to go.
Tired of walking this path of random directions.
I miss having a different ending.
Because I'm tired of the ones with tears in it.

I miss............a lot of things.

What's up,my cherie ?

2009-09-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

So.. what's cookin', cookie ?
Me ?
Nothing much.
Thanks for asking.

Lately I've been living -- what some people say -- a static life.
Encountered a couple of dumb people.
The ones that think they could lecture me about things I've already learned by myself.
Shits that I've taken.
One of them even said that I need to see a shrink because that person thinks I'm a bit crazy.
No. REALLY.

HAHA.
Who the fuck are you,man !
Making conclusion(s) about me.
Fuck,I don't even know you,dude.

And as far as I care, I probably will enjoy life better with a little LESS of sanity.

I've also taking steps closer to numb-land.
I just feel so tired of feeling.
Of all sorts.
They're just like a post-it paper.
Post it.
Un-post it.

I miss my imagination.
I wonder where it went.

And,MY GOD, DO I WANT TO PAINT !!

No,no. I ain't no painter,or whatever.
I can't paint shit.
I just like to make believe that I CAN.

I've been crazy over SKINS.
It's a series about a bunch of British teenagers living live as teenagers. BRITISH teens.
I always like British ways of --- everything.
Communicating,sarcasm,cursing.
The series also introduced me a lot of AWESOME tunes.
It's amazing why I never heard (some) of them before.

Why did you think I still love Peter so much ?
Becauseeee the bloody arse is British.
HAHA.
Well, that's one out of many.

Truth is, I have so many things in my head at the moment, but I can't seem to put them all down in words.
Like, letters just don't seem enough anymore.

I MISS READING A GOOD BOOK !!
AND WHY THE FUCK IS DEWI LESTARI'S PERAHU KERTAS ISN'T HERE YET ?!!!

THIS PLACE SUCKS ASS !

OH.. and I'm trying to write again.
HAHA.
Yeap, still trying to fulfill that one dream.

A WRITER.

wish me luck ?

Online all the time: Youth & New Media. The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture

2009-08-31T07:40:00.001-07:00

Heard about the competition from Cassey. Thought I'd give it a shot. Don't think my essay is THAT good, but -- hey, it's the effort that counts right ? Thank you Jeannie for proofreading it. And for Kip --- for the help. haha.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Online all the time: Youth & New Media.
The impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture

For me personally, I think it is very difficult to find people nowadays that don’t consider Internet as one of their primary needs,especially the younger generations. Surfing the internet is now probably equal to a glass of water : you’d have to have it every day and one glass is never enough. Supported with the many ways to get connected,people can easily browse through their cell phones,anytime,anywhere ; not to mention the growth of social networking websites. Friendster,Myspace,Hi5,Bebo,Tagged and now , Facebook and Twitter. Cyberspace is an addiction with no cure.

Yes,of course, the Internet helps them to gather new information about a lot of things. And yes,we’re catching up with other developing countries. But the thing is, the modernization slowly washes the traditional and cultural curiosity.

Yeah ,sure they know about the latest online game or the newest gadget that’s on the store , but do they still remember their traditional language , songs and rituals ? And wouldn’t it be easier to point the finger to technology, internet and blame them? But it’s not really all their fault. Like everything else in life, if is used wisely, online can give just the right amount of advantages.

Society is also responsible for the lack of tradition and cultural knowledge amongst kids these days. Turning their heads away when children don’t go out as much as they need to. When they’re becoming to attach to their gadgets. Texting while doing everything else, updating statuses once every five minutes. Basically making and letting electronic devices as something that they cannot live without and slowly shutting down from the real world. Not criticizing when they don’t want to go to any traditional occasions. Keeping their ignorance and thinking it’s better to just let them be that way. And approving their instant gratification that substitutes the art of waiting and personal communication,considering it as part of being today’s youth. When it doesn’t really have to be that way. Look around you, look at yourself, has the impact grown too much to be changed now ?

So when it comes to talk about the impact of social networking and the online world on Indonesian culture, if used appropriately, there aren’t any negative effects that we should worry about. The internet helps us to get more information and easier. The social networking websites can actually help us to widen the social networking that we need. The problem is, there should also be a bridge between: which is society. And hopefully, that bridge will help balance both sides: the modern and traditional sides.

Hey Aussie Boy !

2009-08-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hey,Aussie boy !
How about that coffee ?
It's been a week !

Yeah, I was being a chicken when I avoided you yesterday.
I just wasn't prepared yet.
My knees got weak and my heart was pounding so fast.

[ Oh Jesus ! I sound like a 13 year old ]

I know you have a girlfriend back in Aussie ( or at least that's what Jeannie told me ), but I thought I was worth the chance ! I already showed you that I want that chance.

Did I do something wrong ?
Took the wrong step ?

* sigh *

You just tickled my curiosity.
And my interest.

God, how I wish I did the same to you.

But I probably didn't.

Oh well...
It was nice to know you,Aussie boy.
And to be the fair witness of your beautiful smile,mate !

:)

:)

:)

............

2009-08-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

Aku ingin sekali bicara dengan Tuhan. Jangan suruh aku berdoa, karena bukan itu yang aku maksud. Dan aku tak pintar berdoa. Mungkin karena itu doa - doaku tak pernah didengar. Jangan bilang karena aku tak sabar menunggu. Karena doa yang kupanjatkan sejak aku SMP pun sampai sekarang terbuang entah dimana.

Berdoa adalah kegiatan yang kurang masuk akal.
Karena hanya ada satu orang yang berbicara. Dan dia tak tau apakah pihak yang satu lagi menyimak atau tidak. Atau bahkan -- sudah ketiduran.
Tidak ada respon. Tidak ada balasan. Hanya satu orang yang menundukkan kepala,mengucapkan kata - kata, ucapan syukur dan permintaannya.

Katanya, doa harus dilandasi iman.
Iman akan apa ?
Kalau doa itu akan didengar ?
Harapan itu akan dikabulkan ?

Berapa lama iman bisa bertahan ?
Sebulan ? Dua bulan ? Setahun ? Sepuluh tahun ?

Aku berusaha untuk selalu bersyukur.
Untuk selalu mencoba bersabar dan meyakini kalau cobaan yang datang tidak akan melebihi kekuatanku.
Tapi pada saat kekuatanku hampir habis lalu aku berteriak minta tolong, menguap kemanakah teriakan itu ?

Lupakah Tuhan kalau aku hanya manusia biasa ?
Lupakah DIA, kalau aku punya batasan untuk segala sesuatu di dunia ini ?

Salahkah aku bersikap seperti manusia ?

Aku mulai mendekati titik dimana aku ingin marah !
Karena aku lelah.
Jiwa dan raga.
Hati dan pikiran.

Aku ingin bertemu Tuhan dan berbincang denganNya.
Ingin tahu apa yang Dia inginkan dariku ?
Aku terlalu lelah untuk menunggu dan menebak jawabannya.
Apa dia hanya memilih umatnya berdasarkan kriteria tertentu ?
Kriteria yang tak lagi kumiliki ?

Aku hanya lelah mengerti.
Sekali saja,aku ingin dimengerti.

I'm tired of being alone.
And lonely.
In the crowds.
And feeling like a toy in His big game.

I'm.Just.Fucking.Tired.Of.Life.

Eh ?

2009-08-12T11:45:00.001-07:00

Saya ingin menuliskan sesuatu yang ceria. Tapi tentang apa ? Bagaimana kalau tentang Marshanda dan ---- ah,sudahlah. Itu tidak terlalu penting. Hm..bagaimana dengan Noording M.Top. Aduh,mau ngomongin apa soal dia ya ? Bingung juga saya. Lagian,emang dia memberikan perasaan ceria,Un ? tanya pembaca. Ya -------- nggak juga sih.

* iklan *

Sebenernya,hari hari saya belakangan,agak jauh dari kata ceria.Tapi,satu hal yang saya pelajari adalah, belajar mengalah. Iya,saya baru belajar mengalah di umur yang masih 18 ini *disambar petir*.
Dan,tolong dicatat *sodorkan kertas*,saya bukan orang yang gampang dan mau mengalah. Entah ngidam apa ibu saya dulu. Tapi pada saat merayakan ulang tahun kemarin,saya mikir, ada baiknya kadang mengalah -- terutama jika menghadapi orang orang yang DUNGU -- daripada melanjutkan argumen melawan orang yang bahkan belum bisa melafalkan abjad A - Z. Lagipula, bukankah ada peribahasa yang mengatakan,
" Mengalah bukan berarti kalah " ?

* buka buku peribahasa *

Saya juga sudah belajar menghadapi orang munafik dengan senyum. Bukan lagi dengan emosi yang meledak ledak. Mungkin saya sudah merasa capek menjadi orang yang cantik tapi tempramen * disodok sendok garpu *. Tapi (masih) untuk beberapa hal saja lhoo. Kalo lagi nyetir terus di salip angkot atau kendaraan lain, saya masih agak sering menurunkan kaca mobil lalu memaki. Yah --- perubahan kan butuh waktu ya,cun ?

* menghisap rokok *

Mungkin satu satunya hal yang (agak) mendekati ceria adalah, saat saya "bicara" dengan dia.
Bukan,bukan. Namanya bukan dia. Dia punya nama. Tapi,tak etis rasanya saya menuliskan nama itu disini. Kurang rela saya kalau dia numpang ngetop disini. Tapi yang jelas dia yang paling ngetop di hati saya.

*mencret*

Perasaan bisa menjadi begitu krusial saat kita tak lagi bisa mengendalikannya.
Dan perasaan ; bagaimana pun cara menghadapinya, selalu akan menjurus ke arah yang menyakitkan.
Ditahan atau dibiarkan bebas.
Resiko selalu menjadi sesuatu yang tak pernah siap dihadapi.

* ngigo *

Ok.
Sudahlah.
Mudah mudahan posting berikutnya bisa lebih ceria yes ?

OH IYA *tepuk jidat dengan manis*, saya punya blog lain.
Jangan tanya kenapa , dan buat apa --- singgah saja kalau ada waktu.
Mungkin saya sedang belajar berpoligami.

* lalalalalalala *

Ha ? Ga tau mau diklik dimana karena gak keliatan linknya dikarenakan background putih ini ?
OH NO !!
Baiklah.
Saya akan kasih kesempatan kedua.

Klik di sini yaa. Di kata sini itu lho. Iya.. di SINI !!
Ah--sudalah.
Lupakan saja,Marisol.

Terimakasih.

.salam ibuperi.

You'll Never Know When Someone Comes In and Press Play On Your Paused Life.

2009-07-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

That,my friends, is actually a title of an album of one, Pandji Pragiwaksono.
Yes,it's --- quite long.
But it's one of those sentence that you can't cut one or two words out,because - then - it'll lose its original meaning.

I fell in love with Pandji's music since his 1st album. Hell,he made me listen to ( Indo ) rap again. After -- oh,I don't know.... a thousand years ?! I'd give him a medal,if I could.

I like the way he tells the stories of his life through his lyrics and music. He's a good story teller.

" Aku dibilang sering curhat terbuka. Sering cerita tentang diri sendiri saja. Tapi dengan itu, kau tau siapa aku,ku bukan lagi teman,kini ku sahabatmu " - [ I Told You (Kan Kembali) ]

I think people who says that are only because they can't understand his music and what he's trying to do. Because, I'll say this again, he's a good story teller.A smart one too. And I like his sense of humor and decent amount of narcissism.

" Masa' Kanye West aja ngelompatin kita ? Singapore ke Australia ? Padahal dia ngefans sama gua "

Hence my enthusiasm for his 2nd album.

The difference between this and his 1st is,this doesn't sound as "nationalist" as the previous one.
I feel as if this one is a wee bit more personal.
More stories about the ups and downs of himself, his family and his work.
Oh, there's one song where I feel like I'm listening to LL Cool J.
HAHA.

" Screw gym. Im a burn my carb. I slack at the gym,but I'll work you hard. As I give it to you,give to you , give it to you more " [ Super SugarCane Man ]

* paused*

Maybe it's just MY own perverted mind.

Moving along.

I also love when he talks about love slash relationships. He's like better than Mario Teguh.
He makes (MUCH) more sense. Well, at least to me. You'll nod along to his words. Because -- at some point, you've been there too.

" Peraturan pertama dalam berhubungan coba kita cari persamaan.Telah kucoba mengerti. Walaupun sangat kubenci kata belajar mencintai. Satu tambah satu bukan dua dalam cinta. Kau dan aku dua jadi satu. Cinta - semenit - tertawa. Cinta - semenit - bersentuhan. Cinta - semenit - bercinta. Cinta - kau buat aku menangis " [ Calvin and Susie ]

Which,by the way, is one of my favorite track on the album.
Gamila sounds VERY nice,Ndji !

Track 3 -- Maafkan Ayah -- is actually the first song that got stuck in my head and got played over and over and over and ----- over.
And ,it automatically reminded me on the sight when I saw Pandji MC'ing for this event. The tiredness and the effort on being nice to other people. Including this girl that came up to him and asked him about his CD.
Yes,that girl is annoying.

*coughs*

The album is also provided with a few skits.
Which really reminds me of Eminem's albums.

The sounds are also a bit more various in this one.
Turntables,a pinch of jazzy sounds,a touch of reggae - ish sounds.

[ I personally love the music on track 16 - GBK. It's REAALLLY good ]

And let's not forget track 15 -- Kami Tidak Takut.
Which -- accidentally, became the perfect theme for #indonesiaunite.

" Terlalu lama gue berdiam.Melihat,membaca,menonton,membuat gue geram. Jangan pernah kita anggap mereka pahlawan atau diliput bagaikan pemenang. Teroris gak penting,jadi jangan berisik.Biarin mereka tertangkap dan tertembak mati " [ Kami Tidak Takut ]

Oh,and if I may quote from one of Pandji's twit,
" Teroris itu bukan orang yang berani mati, tapi orang yang takut hidup "

And like the 1st albums, there are a few flaws in this one too. But not big enough nor annoying enough for me to hate it. They got covered pretty well by the other plus points.

Two Unimportant random facts :
1. This review is actually shorter than my review on his 1st album. You're lucky I didn't go through his tracks -- one by one,like what I did for the 1st one.

2. There's quite a few " product placement " in this album. HAHA.
Avanza,Twitter,Starbucks and -- of course -- his clothing brand.
Not that I have any problems with it tho'.
Just saying.
Told you it's not important.

But the album is important.

You might not share his love for this country or whatever,or automatically decided to become a rapper, but you might learn a few things or two from his stories. You might see him from a different angle,afterwards.

And please buy the original.
Like the 1st album, 50% profit from this one will also be donated C3.

[ I feel bad because I got it for free. mehehehehe ]

Sidenote :
I feel like I've heard this line before - the album title - but can't remember where. From a movie ? Maybe a book. Blah ! Can't seem to recall it.

A year older

2009-07-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

If I had to reflect the 25 years of my life, I'd say, a big chunk of it are filled with failures. Mistakes I'm not so proud to admit but is willing to fix. There are so many of them, I'm drowing. I had such high hopes in the past for the me in this age.

None reached. None owned.

I don't which hurts the most ; that or the thought of maybe I shouldn't be having those hopes in the first place.

And I'm not the sort of person that hopes a lot. But when I do, means that I really want them.

I have never felt the single glinch of happiness for making my parents proud of me. Hell, I'm not even proud of myself. Like, ever !

The first thing I did when the clock hits that 12.00 was watching Peter's videos.I just thought if I did that,I'd feel like sharing this -- supposedly -- happy day.My birthday song is Sting's Shape of My Heart.

Oh bloody fuck,what could be more pathetic than that. If I had a gun, I'd shoot myself right in the head.

After that, I got down on my knees and prayed. I do know that there are still things that I should be thankful for and about. And ended up crying for like half an hour because I feel like ------- I'm such a loser and failure to my parents.

I don't know how I will react seeing them in the morning.

I'm sorry,God. I don't mean to be ungrateful. But -- like I said -- I'm only human.With all the short distance limitations that I got.

I'm exhausted,God.

This 25 years --- it's draining me out.

I'm sorry if I have failed you too.

Maybe I'm no good at all.

But thank You for this 25 years of life.I have so many things to write, but my eyes hurts.

# 39 : Shape Of My Heart

2009-07-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

So here I am again. Stranded in middle of nowhere. Swimming without direction in this vast blue ocean. Gasping for air each time I make a move.
Admitting is what I'm trying to do. Not because I'm living in denial all these times. I realize it,but not admitting.Because I don't want echoed the things I've already realized. I don't want to justify the sadness,emptiness and this -- this something I haven't found a name for it yet. It will show that I am weak. I don't want to be weak. I hate myself when I'm weak. Weak makes me feel suicidal.

I miss you a lot,Pete.
Still.
Especially today when I'm surrounded with friends that shares laughter and the sparkles in their eyes with the person sitting next to them.Showing how they are in love and being loved back.
Call me tacky,call me childish.

This is me,admitting !!

I'm going to ask you to fly from London just to sit next to me [ although that would be VERY nice :) ].
I just miss you.
I miss the feeling you gave me.
That acceptance.
That simple relationship where I could really be myself and you could really be yourself too.

My birthday is coming up soon,Pete.
I will soon be admitting on that " quarter life crisis " theory is --- true.
I feel like a bag of garbage.
A BIG bag,even.
My whole life is filled with failure.
In EVERY bloody aspects.
I'm getting tired of being strong and walking with my head high.

And -- 19 days after that,would be a year since I've "met" you.
A YEAR !
I've spent 3/4 of it,losing you.
But yet, I'm still here.
With my stupid hopes.

I'm in tears as I type this down. The tears I've been holding in for a long time. When the radio -- suddenly -- plays Sting's Shape Of My Heart, I just can't hold them back anymore.

I can still remember your face as you were dedicating this song for me and singing it with your wondering eyes and told me,
" This song suits the moment :) "

[ And I replied, " NOO !! When We Dance is better !! " ]

I'm so pathetic, I'm loathing myself.

I could never define love.
I've only felt it once. And it took me almost 10 years to get over.
Then you came along and made me fell deep.
I don't know how much longer I have to spent to get out of this love.

Again, I''m so pathetic, I'm loathing myself.
But -- no matter how hard I try,how much I hurt myself -- I can never get close to feel the same towards you,Peter.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who smile are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart
[ Sting ]

......

2009-07-15T07:43:00.000-07:00

Status facebook hari ini :

" Unee Adisti semakin susah untuk percaya sama orang dan semakin banyak orang yang tak mau percaya.Dan,semakin banyak juga orang - orang yang melakukan satu hal ,lalu (SOK) menghakimi saat orang lain melakukan hal yang sama.Contoh : Orang-orang bermuka dua yang (SOK) ngatain orang lain yang sejenis. Semoga anda terkena flu babi. "

tiba tiba dia muncul di facebook chat........

him : kenapa kw dek?ngomong ma abang kalau ada masalah :)

him : hahahahha :)

me : ha ?

me : hahaha..knp pulak kau tiba2 muncul,ngomong gitu ?

him :statusmu yang bilang gt kok...:)

me : ooo..

me : gpp. hehehe. jijik aja ama org2 kek gitu. sok ngatain org,sendirinya kek gitu.

mending cem awak. kalo emang ngomongin org,ya bilang aja. kl emg bikin salah,ya ngaku aja.

him : mksudmu sapa?

me : beberapa org yg ada disekitarku. hehehe :)

me : ...dan yg bisa membaca status itu pastinya. hahaha

him : aku tun????

him : ehh aku yun?

me : bukanlaaahhhh

me : hahahahaha

me : kau ini pun

me : cem sering kali kita ketemu

me : hahaha

him : ahh kw pun buat aku kaget aja, soalnya aku bisa baca statusmu..hehehe

me : ratusan orang yg ada di friendlist ku pun bisa baca,lan..tp gak org tu juga yg kumaksud. gak semuanya,mksdku..

me : hehehe

me : kawan kantor aku nyaaaa

me : :))

him : ohhhh alhamdulilah ya.

me :hahahah

him : kw abis nangis ya yun?

me : .........

me : kok tiba2 nanya gitu kau ?

him : ??????????

me : aku nanya kau,*beep*...kok tiba2 nanya gitu kau ?cem abis kau liat aku nangis tadi. hehe

him : aku tau kw bukan sebentar yun,udalah.

me : tsahhh..hahaha

me : dan kau juga harusnya tau kalau aku jarang mau mengakui kalo aku sedang atau habis, nangis. :)

him : hahahahaha...:)

me : tapi,terima kasih sudah bertanya,*beep*. hehe lagi dimana kau ? tumben ol malem2 ?

him : sami2..tumben???aku uda abuse ol truzzz

me : abuse ? cok pelan2 ngetiknya,*beep*. haha

him : mksudnya kecanduan yun, salah ya????

me : hahahaha ... harusnya " addict " , *beeep* . abuse itu berarti dianiaya kau. gagagagagaga

him : ya mksudnya aku dianiaayaa juga yun...

me : hahaha ..... kdrt lah yaaa

him : yun aku cabs dulu ya....baik2 kw.cieee tua kali bahhhhh...:(

---------the end -----------

aku benci karena kau (masih) bisa tau aku begitu baik.aku benci karena kau masih baik padaku.

mungkin,istrinya tiba tiba dateng.

HAHAHA.

#38 : Lose You

2009-07-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Aku telah sampai di akhir yang entah kapan dimulai. Ditinggal berdiri,sendiri,mencari yang entah apa. Aku selalu punya kuasa untuk merusak semua yang ada disekitarku. Kutukan,mungkin. Sempat membuatku malas untuk memiliki. Atau -- setidaknya, merasa memiliki. Itu hanya media yang membantuku menggali lubang yang akan membuatku terperosok.

Entah rasa macam apa yang telah kau berikan ini.Dan sebelum aku diberi waktu untuk mencari definisi,
kau menghilang.
Lagi lagi aku merusak.
Padahal aku belum memiliki.
Masih merasa --- memiliki.

Banyak hal yang masih belum aku mengerti. Jangan dulu bicara tentangmu. Coba mulai dengan diriku sendiri. Denganmu,aku merasa tidak harus mengerti apa pun. Aku hanya harus tertawa. Karena kau selalu bisa membuatku tertawa. Walau dalam hitungan per sekian detik. Mungkin karena itu aku menyukaimu. Terlalu,bahkan. Aku merasa,dengan bisa mengertimu,aku juga bisa -- sedikit,mengerti diriku sendiri.Nantinya.

Hatiku berkata, apa yang terjadi kemarin -- canda tawa tak jelas itu -- tidak akan terulang lagi.
Karena, sekali lagi, aku telah kehilangan.
Tepat di saat aku mulai -- merasa -- memiliki.
Aku tak akan marah jika ditinggalkan.
Aku hanya benci ditinggal tanpa alasan.
Aku hanya perlu tahu,
kenapa ?

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.
[ Pete Yorn ]

...it's scary.

2009-07-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

So, I took this quiz on facebook a couple of days ago -- I think. And, so far, I think this is the MOST accurate results. Although the (five) questions gave me a headache, because there were like one question being asked FIVE times. Oh dear.. but, like I said, it's pretty accurate. It....scares me. I'll bold some accuracy on this result. It's just......so true.

Unee completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?"
with the result
The Cusp of Oscillation – Cancer/Leo Cusp July 19-25.

You are a complex person who is not easily read [ Yeah.So don't try to get my attention by saying,you know me. Because, seriously,you don't ]. You are resistant to emotional manipulation. You have a contrasting personality. You are efficient and are able to complete tasks. You love to be on the cutting edge of innovative projects and activities; you’d rather be in the thick of the battle rather then sit on the sidelines [ routines !! MY GOD !! Routines is one of the many ways that could make me commit suicide ]. You crave excitement and need to meet challenges dauntlessly. You are calm under fire. You have extreme urges and have an unconscious drive for near-death experiences [ thank you,Rini, for pointing this out. HAHA. I heart you ! ]. You need security and dependability but can bore easily and hanker for excitement and change. You have a wide palette of emotional and sexual expression and express your desires over a wide variety of partner types [ yeah..types are just...so..boring. Like just eating a chocolate flavored ice-cream when there's like ten thousand more to choose from. But, a sense in art and a good sense of humor is a MUST ]. You can be faithful to your mate as long as they hold your attention and can be accepting, open and understanding [ Amen to that ! ].

Strengths: Morally Courageous – Exciting – Dauntless.
Weaknesses: Manic Depressive – Addictive – Emotionally Blocked .

So yeah. I could bold-ed the whole result.But then again, where's the fun in that,right ?
I really,REALLY,need to meet the person who made this quiz.
haha.

#37 : Between The Lines

2009-06-30T12:06:00.000-07:00

I like you.Very much.You make me laugh.You surprise me.You're -- somewhat , silly.But at times, nice. Your odd ways of communicating. Random jokes and nicknames. Spontanity. Absurd but comforting. I've let myself to admire you and enjoys your company. Which, I shouldn't be. It took me a while to find a pinch of comfort that I'm feeling right now. Just a pinch, because I'm still dragging my steps to walk away from that ghost of the past. I'm scared to take a step forward but stuck and can't take a step backwards. This is killing me. I just want to tell you. Did you know that I've typed down the words on that little chat window ? But I deleted it. I'm too tired for all this. Maybe I should go back to my little world where everything is considered a lie.

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

[ Sara Bareilles - Between The Lines ]

#36 :Stopped

2009-06-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

I tried to mess with my own rules. Tried to violate the time I've given to myself. Tried to compromise with the seven days limit. And here I am now. Embarrassed and confused. And I already -- sorta, got used to him being around. Virtually. Which is dumb, yes I know. No need to remind me. I should've stopped last Tuesday. I should've known better than to carry on. I should've known better than having high hopes about stuff like "this". Shouldn't be letting myself get too carried away with all the tacky,corny,lame things we talked about and what he did.
I always mess things up. Intentionally or unintentionally. Maybe I'm jinxed or something. Or ,maybe, I''m just -- simply,repulsive. It's for reason like that I seldom think that I should just not try at all. Just another waste of time.

I. SHOULD.HAVE.KNOWN.BETTER !!!
and.walked.away.while.i.still.can.before.it's.too.late.
*sigh*

Happy 8 Months Anniversary !

2009-06-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Peter,
it's been 8 months without.As tacky as this may sound, can't even find the words to describe how much I miss you.
How I still wish that, one day , someday, you'll come back and we'll try to sort things out. Again.Find ways to not surrender in the feet of distance.To just be happy again knowing that we're here for each other. Despite the million miles between.I still remember that, " You can be happy " sentence you said ,the last time I called. I've tried. I've forced myself so hard, left me even more bruised because I'm just lying to myself. I just miss you so much. So. Much. Very much,it's making feel like a silly teenager. Reading [ this ] , hurts me inside. Remembering the conversation we had after you read it. I remember how I came up with [ this nickname ]. That " wait, I'll check my schedule " joke that made me laughed for hours.
I miss you.
And I (am still) in love with you,Peter Lancaster.
Are YOU happy without me ?

I still play this song on a daily basis.
" Why are you so far away,he said. Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you. Yes I'm in love with you.You, soft and only.You,lost and lonely.You, strange as angels.Dancing in the deepest oceans.Twisting in the water.You're just like a dream.You're just like a dream " Katie Melua - Just Like Heaven

yang.terlewatkan.itu

2009-06-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

cerita singkatnya :

pria ini adalah cinta pertama saya. Orang yang pertama kali saya cintai di usia 13 sampai usia 22. Silahkan dihitung.

Putus - dia menghilang - saya menunggu - kami bertemu lagi - saya ngajak balik - dia nolak - kita temenan - saya masih cinta padahal udah punya pacar - kita masih temenan - dia bilang suka dan ngajak nikah [maksudnya ya gak di Papa Rons itu jugaaaa. Yah..yunowataymin lah ! ] - dia bilang dia baru sadar kalo I'm the one for him [ *sigh* ] - dia minta maaf karena baru sadar itu - dia minta maaf karena dari dulu dia selalu menyianyiakan saya - saya ragu lalu menghilang - ganti nomer hape dan gak ada komunikasi - tiga bulan kemudian saya hubungin dia duluan - ngobrol dan dia bilang kangen - dia nanya kenapa ngilang tanpa jawaban - saya ketawa bego - lusanya ngobrol ama temen dia yang juga temen saya - si temen bilang dia mau nikah - saya tanya ke dia - dia diem - seminggu sebelum nikah dia masih nanya apa saya emang mau dia nikah sama istrinya yang sekarang - saya jawab iya - mereka menikah - saya diundang tapi gak dateng - dua hari setelah mereka nikah saya nelfon minta maaf karena LUPA dateng [ yeeaahh.... nenek - nenek lagi twitteran juga gak akan percaya itu kaaan ? ] - dia bilang dia kecewa karena dia nungguin [ heuh ? ] - ngobrol lama karena kebetulan istri lagi tugas diluar kota [ saya merasa seperti mayangsari pada saat itu ] - pembicaraan lebih dua jam itu berisi dia yang masih mempertanyakan kenapa saya menghilang tanpa jawaban - saya kasih jawaban jujur - dia diem - dia bilang dia masih sayang saya [ saya semakin merasa seperti mayangsari ] - beberapa minggu setelah telfonan itu saya ketemu dia di jalan naik motor ama temennya - temen saya semobil [ dengan penuh inisiatif ] memanggilnya - mobil di pinggirkan - kita ngobrol - dia memamerkan cincin kawinnya pada temen saya dan ngomong , " harusnya si unee yang make ini " - saya ketawa bodoh - dia paksa saya ngeliat cincin itu karena saya coba gak ikut ngeliat - ternyata karena diatas cincin kawin itu ada cincin dari saya - oleh oleh dari Bali - satu buat dia - satu lagi di saya - beberapa hari yang lalu - dia tiba tiba muncul di ym saya dan nyuruh saya nge add facebooknya - lalu saya melihat wajah istrinya untuk pertama kalinya.

Ternyata,hati saya masih ngilu ngeliat itu.
* keliatan gak ya ? haha *
kenapa harus diatas notification kalo " xxx is now friends with Unee Adisti " coba ?!
damn !! placing'nya perfecto sangadh !

[mungkin salahku melewatkanmu
tak mencarimu sepenuh hati
maafkan aku

kesalahanku melewatkanmu
hingga kau kini dengan yang lain
maafkan aku ]

dan cincin itu pun masih melingkar di leher saya.

masih menjadi "mainan" kalung favorit.

entah kalau di jari dia.

[ walau ku terlambat
kau tetap yang terhebat
melihatmu, mendengarmu
kau lah yang terhebat]

#35 : You're My Crush !!

2009-06-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

Saya kangen punya "taksiran".
Orang yang ditaksir.
Orang yang bisa ngebuat senyam - senyum sendiri, kayang sepanjang hari, salto 17 kali dan guling guling 30 km,tanpa merasa derita.
Istilah " taksir - taksiran " itu memang terkesan jadul sekali,bukan ? Tapi yah..biarlah. Anggap saja vintage. Semalam saya berikrar lewat Twitter
[ belum nge-follow ??? Yiuukk,silahkaan.. *iklan baris* ], saya mau cari " TAKSIRAN " !!
Saya sudah nemu.

Inisialnya A.R, anak Jogja. Vokalis band. Rambut kriting nanggung,pake kacamata,suka makan kepala ayam
[ seriously ! ] walau lahir di Jerman.

[ intermezzo : SUNGGUH LUAR BIASA kecanggihan tehnologi ini. Karena ternyata teman ngeblog - yang - sekarang - juga - jadi - teman - twitter saya, Ajeng (sepertinya) mengenal si A.R,karena Ajeng pernah kuliah di Djogya. Padahal , saya belum pernah ketemu Ajeng ! HAHA. Indonesia semakin sempit berkat tehnologi ]

Sama seperti wanita ~~cantik~~ lainnya, saya juga suka klepek klepek kalo ngeliat cowo yang cucok. Tapi saya akan LEBIH klepek klepek dan megap kanan - kiri kalo ketemu cowo yang ber"jiwa seni" [ aehhh...maakk ! ].

Maksudnya, yang pinter maen alat musik,ngelukis,motret,suka baca. Yah,pokok'nya gak cuma bisa petantang - petenteng gak jelas dan ngomongin soal , " ah..cewe jaman sekarang mah,gampaaanngg. blablabla..PREET ! ".

A.R musisi dan jago gambar.
Loetjoe juga.
[ ahahahahahha...*guling guling* ]

Anyways...A.R akan jadi taksiran saya untuk seminggu ke depan.
Kenapa cuma seminggu ?
Karena kalo sebulan,takut dikatain niru Sweet November dan saya dikatain mirip Charlize Theron.

* HUEEEEEKKKK !! *

orang indonesia.

2009-06-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

iya. saya juga orang indonesia. makanya saya mau ngomongin soal orang indonesia. karena itu berarti,saya tau apa yang (mau) saya omongin.
kalo mau ngomongin orang australia, kita panggil Nicole Kidman atau Russell Crow.
kalo mau ngomongin orang jepang, kita panggil Hyde dari Laruku.
kalo mau ngomongin orang inggris, kita panggil Chris Martin.

[ sebelumnya,ijinkan saya menjelaskan kalau ini bukan bermaksud menjelek - jelekkan ~~yang sudah jelek~~. hanya sekedar ingin berbagi dengan harapan ada sedikit yang bisa dirubah. kalau pun gak ada, ya....yang penting sudah dicoba. mudah - mudahan tidak dianggap melanggar UU ITE yang tersohor itu ]

sampai sekarang,saya masih terkagum kagum dengan kemampuan orang indonesia yang (BERFIKIR) kalau dia bisa langsung tau sifat seseorang berdasarkan perkenalan 2 menit pertama. atau berdasarkan apa yang dia pakai. atau smartphone macam apa yang dia genggam. atau kendaraan apa yang mengantarkannya kemana - mana. atau di daerah mana dia tinggal.

SERIOUSLY !
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S SO FUCKING SHALLOW ?!

tadi saya meng-upload beberapa foto hasil jepretan dan editan ( seadanya dan amatiran ) yang udah nunggu dijamah sejah sebulan lalu. tapi karena Peter baru sembuh,jadinya baru bisa di upload sekarang.

modelnya adalah dua orang teman sekerja yang narsis dan rela jadi model tanpa tanda jasa.

setiap saya mengupload foto foto hasil jepretan saya, saya gak pernah mengharapkan puja - puji. karena saya cukup AMAT SANGAT sadar,betapa masih amatirnya saya. tapi, sakit rasanya pada saatu kerja keras kita -- walau hasilnya tak seberapa, gak dihargain. justru malah merhatiin hal lain yang SAMA SEKALI gak penting.

salah satu objek foto itu, Gitta, mengirimkan message via facebook untuk minta ijin me-remove tag karena foto foto itu membuat teman temannya berfikiran kalau dia adalah LESBIAN.

OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD.

pantaslah playboy begitu jadi masalah,dan dianggap porno,padahal gak ada yang telanjang disitu.
pantaslah saya sering dianggap bispak karena saya merokok, padahal -- sumpah demi Tuhan, saya masih bisa biayain hidup saya sendiri. dan walau gak secantik artis, seenggaknya saya masih punya harga diri.
pantaslah undang undang pornografi dibuat,padahal bukan apa yang dipakai yang membuat dosa,tapi pikiran orang yang melihat.
pantaslah undang undang informasi dan transaksi elektronik dibuat, padahal hak orang untuk mengeluarkan pendapat melalu media apa pun yang ada.

PANTASLAH BANGSA INI GAK MAJU MAJU !!!

[ maaf, saya bukan marah karena hasil kerja saya tidak di puji. karena saya dibesarkan oleh orangtua bukan sebagai wanita yang haus pujian. saya cuma minta penghargaan. dan penghargaan itu tidak harus selalu dalam bentuk pujian. misalnya ada yang bilang, " Jelek banget ni foto. Gak bakat lu ! ", itu juga akan saya anggap sebagai penghargaan. karena setidaknya,foto saya cukup jelek untuk dilihat,diperhatikan dan dinilai --- jelek ]

menjadikan itu sebagai sesuatu untuk berlagak SOK TAU, untuk MENILAI yang GAK PERLU dinilai,ngebuat saya jijik. lagipula,emang kenapa kalau (misalnya) temen saya itu beneran lesbi. kenapa harus orang yang sibuk kebaran bulu ketek ? selama gak ngebuat situ jatuh miskin, masalahnya dimana ?

sekali lagi saya mau bilang,

PANTASLAH BANGSA INI GAK MAJU MAJU !!!

2009-06-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

why haven't i heard from you ?
why haven't you missed me ?
why haven't you noticed i'm not around anymore ?
why haven't you wonder how i have been doing ?
why haven't you feel what i have been feeling for the last six months ?

why am i still waiting for you ?
why am i still hoping that someday you will comeback ?
why am i still singing the same songs ?
why am i still standing where i am when you left ?
why aren't i able to lie to my feelings the you did ?
why am i still in love with you ?